PROJECT NO FEAR: My Inner Demons

It took me this long to figure out what to say in Phase Two of this project because, although I did know exactly what my loudest inner demons were, I had no idea how to properly express why they were the loudest or how they truly made me feel. I think I know how to describe it now.

My inner demons are Depression and Anxiety. They have been with me for a long time now and have become somewhat akin to annoying aunts and uncles who have overstayed their welcome. Depression would be the aunt. always giving backhanded compliments and always showing up unannounced while you’re in the shower or something. Anxiety is the uncle, loud and obnoxious. You can feel uncle anxiety from a mile away but know that you cannot escape him. He is coming with cigar smoke to blow in your face. He is coming to take over your couch and watch loud football in you living room. He is coming to eat all of your food and then complain when you run out of cheesy puffs. He is coming, you know he is, but stubbornly you try to stand your ground because its your damn house, your damn couch and your damn food… but in the end he gets it all for a little while. When Uncle Anxiety and Aunt Depression finally leave, they do it with no pomp or circumstance because they have already done enough damage. No reward for giving your time and mental fortitude, no money to recoup the costs of damages. They leave and you are sitting on your kitchen floor drained of all energy in a pool of melted ice cream and tears. You are extremely humiliated and embarrassed by them and by your reactions to them. You are upset that you cannot just make them leave and be gone forever. You are upset that they’ll come back you do not know when. It’s a mess.

There is a bit of humor in there obviously, without humor I would not be here today to write this., but that is the best way for me to describe how it feels to have these sneaky little demons in my head and with me all the time.

I used to think that Depression and Anxiety would make me unlovable and unlikable. In fact, I have been told by actual human beings that my depression and anxiety make me unlikable and unlovable. Nevertheless, I try. The truth is, I’m genuinely happy most days. The other truth is that sometimes I force myself to be happy. However, though there are days when I win and win hard… there are still days that I lose. I take the L and move on most times.

I’ve been told that I need to seek treatment and be cured. I’m not ever going to be cured because it’s not that kind of disease. I’m okay with that. I have learned to live with that. I have definite safe guards in place and make sure to always tell my support system what’s going on. My family and my boyfriend have never once shunned me for who I am or what these two demons do to me and that is a WIN!

I’m open about this because I know what it feels like to be so close to ending everything and want others living with this to feel safe if they come to me with their concerns. It’s so easy to think that no one will care, but I do! I really, really do.

A classmate from my first semester of college.

A friend from high school.

An old student from when I was a martial arts instructor. 

Three people gone because they just didn’t think anyone would care. Three people gone because they simply thought they weren’t worth someones time.

If me talking to someone for a few minutes or even a few hours talks them away from the edge then you bet your ass I’ll make it happen.

If you’re reading this, you’re loved!

XOXO ❤ Neeks

Featured Photos by Beauty by Photography! Love her.Trapped

The Furious Housewife Geisha?

Don’t let the title fool you, this set is fire!

My dear friend, burlesque dancer and creative spirit came to do a shoot with me a while ago and I just completely forgot to write about it. I posted the full set on my FACEBOOK PAGE and some on my PHOTOGRAPHY INSTAGRAM PAGE. They were are so enchanting.

Let me start out by saying that Curly Bright (real name omitted for safety reasons) and I met in pole class. That’s right, we are pole sisters! That could have been phrased differently, I’m sure, however the sentiment remains the same. I’m so thankful that she transferred into the class because she is such a breath of fresh air. Her energy is always high, she is a positive force of nature, a complete and total nerd and did I mention she is smart as a whip? I could go on and on about this girl but lets get into why you’re really here, boobs.

As stated, Curly Bright is a burlesque dancer and not at all shy about her body. For me, that’s awesome. The female form is lovely and she had great ideas on how to use her relatively naked body to her advantage in this shoot. She is a master at styling as well and just wait until you see the geisha inspired face pain she put on.

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Isn’t she lovely?

When she originally approached me about the idea the first thing she said was, “Wouldn’t it be funny to see a geisha with rollers in her hair doing house work?” It’s quirky statements that make for the best photo-shoot ideas.

Look at the colors! It is so rare that I stare in awe of photos that I take myself but I was so proud of the final colors in this shoot. She set everything up in such a way that the end result could only be fantastic. Wait, is that a katana?

It is, indeed! There was also a vacuum involved. The scorned housewife geisha who is honestly sick of everyone’s shit. I think she nailed the concept, don’t you?

Want to see more Curly Bright? That’s great! Check out her FACEBOOK PAGE and her INSTAGRAM PAGE! Tell her Neeks sent you and throw her some mad love!

Until next shoot!

❤ XOXO Neeks

Rosie and Sequan <3

I recently had the honor of shooting not only my first engagement shoot, but also Rosie and Sequan’s first engagement shoot! I guess the latter was a given, huh.

Let me start out by saying, this was very nerve-racking. This was a supremely important shoot to  nail and I felt the pressure. I must have checked my camera bag ten times before leaving the house and another five after I parked at the Harbor. Keep in mind I parked in an illegal area at first and had to move my car about two times. Boo limited parking.

As you can see from the photos, Rosie and Sequan were an absolute dream to work with. They were adorable, connected and, simply, in love with each other. Every picture shows just how much they adore one another. They won’t be getting married for a little while so, it is fantastic that they got these photos done now so that they can send them off on announcements and such. I’m so excited for them and their big day! It will be the most lovey-dovey event of the year, I am sure of it.

Just look at how stunning they are as a couple!

This is a short blog entry to commemorate a milestone in my photographic journey. This is also to commemorate a milestone that most relationships don’t make it to! Thank you all for sharing in this moment with me and for sharing in Rosie and Sequan’s joy! Join me in wishing them nothing but a super happy future!

❤ XOXO Neeks

What is PROJECT: NO FEAR?

PROJECT: NO FEAR is a brainchild of mine that has been in the works since last year. The entire premise of it is to just get out there and do something, acknowledge something, and conquer something that was previously scary or something I felt was unattainable. As I went through the year, achieving different milestones, conquering different fears, it occurred to me that other people may have these same fears and goals.

With every photo I put up from a shoot, someone would comment on it expressing a desire to do the same thing. It finally occurred to me that although I couldn’t take all of these people on a shoot with me, I COULD give them a shoot. I had enough photography skills under my belt to feel comfortable capturing a person but did I have enough editing skills? That was my first question at least. So, I set out to test myself, no fear. 

I did a few shoots for people, it went well so I decided to finally announce to my friends, family and random strangers that I am passionate about the art of photography. That went fairly well! I got a lot of responses, a lot of interest and started scheduling shoots for the first phase of this no fear project.

Phase 1: Fear of self and fear of the body.

When I started modeling I refused to show any skin that didn’t feel necessary. Although I wanted to shoot in beautiful sets of lingerie and found extreme beauty in those who did, I was afraid to. I never even bothered to purchase cute underwear before because what was the point? So, when I decided it was time to throw fear to the wind, I purchased a few body suits. THE shoots came out fierce! I was hooked. I then took the step to buy a simple lacey set and did my first ever boudoir set with a fabulous female photographer. 



I was in love. On top of that, I received responses from others giving both words of encouragement and expressing how they wish they had the figurative balls to shoot boudoir. But why couldn’t they?  With that thought, phase 1 was born.

Boudoir is a style of photography that looks great on all women. Despite how anyone may feel about their body, I was confident that these photos could and would help people feel great about themselves. Shooting in lingerie is not a requirement for this phase but, I wanted people to really step out of their comfort zone and go for it. If they were afraid, I wanted them to embrace that fear and turn it into something amazing. I wanted those who shot with me to feel beautiful, know that they are beautiful. 

That being said, not everyone is ready to step into the ring against the fear of their body right now. That’s fine. I doubt I’ll only shoot boudoir once. The point is to put myself out there and say “Hey, when you’re ready, I am here.” Beyond that, the point is to make these people who shoot with me see that they are gorgeous in every conceivable way. 

Below are samples from two shoots I did earlier this month. I hope you enjoy! I hope this inspires you to stop fearing your body and step outside of your comfort zone… even just a little. 


You can view the complete sets from these lovely ladies on my Facebook Page

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram as well! 

💋Neeks

Random Adorable People in a Random Place

I like to go to places and people watch. Today I came across a group of people who looked so happy and excited to just be alive and they were all so photogenic so I broke out the T5i and snapped some photos of them. They sat and spoke with me as though we had been friends for a while. The experience was just so beautiful. They were so cool about me practicing my skills on them too. For all they knew I could have been shooting up their noses or something.