PROJECT NO FEAR: My Inner Demons

It took me this long to figure out what to say in Phase Two of this project because, although I did know exactly what my loudest inner demons were, I had no idea how to properly express why they were the loudest or how they truly made me feel. I think I know how to describe it now.

My inner demons are Depression and Anxiety. They have been with me for a long time now and have become somewhat akin to annoying aunts and uncles who have overstayed their welcome. Depression would be the aunt. always giving backhanded compliments and always showing up unannounced while you’re in the shower or something. Anxiety is the uncle, loud and obnoxious. You can feel uncle anxiety from a mile away but know that you cannot escape him. He is coming with cigar smoke to blow in your face. He is coming to take over your couch and watch loud football in you living room. He is coming to eat all of your food and then complain when you run out of cheesy puffs. He is coming, you know he is, but stubbornly you try to stand your ground because its your damn house, your damn couch and your damn food… but in the end he gets it all for a little while. When Uncle Anxiety and Aunt Depression finally leave, they do it with no pomp or circumstance because they have already done enough damage. No reward for giving your time and mental fortitude, no money to recoup the costs of damages. They leave and you are sitting on your kitchen floor drained of all energy in a pool of melted ice cream and tears. You are extremely humiliated and embarrassed by them and by your reactions to them. You are upset that you cannot just make them leave and be gone forever. You are upset that they’ll come back you do not know when. It’s a mess.

There is a bit of humor in there obviously, without humor I would not be here today to write this., but that is the best way for me to describe how it feels to have these sneaky little demons in my head and with me all the time.

I used to think that Depression and Anxiety would make me unlovable and unlikable. In fact, I have been told by actual human beings that my depression and anxiety make me unlikable and unlovable. Nevertheless, I try. The truth is, I’m genuinely happy most days. The other truth is that sometimes I force myself to be happy. However, though there are days when I win and win hard… there are still days that I lose. I take the L and move on most times.

I’ve been told that I need to seek treatment and be cured. I’m not ever going to be cured because it’s not that kind of disease. I’m okay with that. I have learned to live with that. I have definite safe guards in place and make sure to always tell my support system what’s going on. My family and my boyfriend have never once shunned me for who I am or what these two demons do to me and that is a WIN!

I’m open about this because I know what it feels like to be so close to ending everything and want others living with this to feel safe if they come to me with their concerns. It’s so easy to think that no one will care, but I do! I really, really do.

A classmate from my first semester of college.

A friend from high school.

An old student from when I was a martial arts instructor. 

Three people gone because they just didn’t think anyone would care. Three people gone because they simply thought they weren’t worth someones time.

If me talking to someone for a few minutes or even a few hours talks them away from the edge then you bet your ass I’ll make it happen.

If you’re reading this, you’re loved!

XOXO ❤ Neeks

Featured Photos by Beauty by Photography! Love her.Trapped

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PROJECT: NO FEAR – Confessions.

In elementary school I was always the new kid. I skipped going to kindergarten on the recommendation of several school officials. I got bullied even. In middle school things weren’t all that different but, I had made some good friends. In high school things changed for me.

Freshmen year I got boobs. They didn’t magically pop up or anything, they literally went through all the cup sizes, finally settling at an unwanted D. I hated my boobs. All through sophomore and half of junior year I wore this black Harley Davidson sweater that was three sizes too big to hide them. Yes, even when it was hot out. By the end of junior year I felt comfortable enough wearing t-shirts. 

By my senior year I had gotten to a point where I’d be considered attractive. Saying that now leaves a sour taste in my mouth because I hated myself back then. I hated how I spoke, how I walked, how I looked… everything. Everything accept my artistic ability and my writing. I wish I had monopolized on that more.

By the end of senior year I had a “boyfriend.” The use of quotation marks is used to denote the fact that he wasn’t really a boyfriend at all. It was my first “real” relationship and to be frankly honest with you, I was an insane person. Because our relationship didn’t fit the mold I had in my head, this poor boy was subjected to endless lectures about how he should be rather than what he was. In my defense, he did steal my car to get hotdogs and he didn’t even get me one. Rude.

The following year I got diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. This hit me hard. The image I tried so hard to project at all times was now confirmed to be complete and utter bullshit. Facing that was probably my greatest battle. Oh and the guy, the “boyfriend,” he dumped me. Again, to him I was crazy. Whateves.

I spent a long time “discovering” myself after that. How? I had a ton of sex honestly, flunked out of college… okay not really but, I did take a long break from my studies. I eventually got wrapped up in an abusive relationship with a new guy who I was over the moon for. I went back to school. Left a job that I loved after I broke up with said abusive guy and the business did nothing when the abuse was happening during work hours. He also told everyone I was a slut blah blah blah, normal broken-up-with guy banter. 

At this point you’re probably wondering how reinvention comes into play. I’m getting there. 

During all of that horrible nonsense, I discovered a lot about my sexuality, my ability to love and the seemingly boundless energy I have to create. I loved photography, I loved modeling, I loved being active, I loved my family and I knew, above all else, that I had neglected all of those things for far too long. I realize now that all of that bad was needed to show me what and how I was supposed to be. It showed me, well, me. 

I’m probably going to write more about these experiences so, if you’re interested please let me know. If you want to know about something specific, also let me know. I will be an open book. It is so important to me that while PROJECT: NO FEAR is going on, I make myself available to anyone and everyone because I get it. I’ve probably been to similar dark places and seen similarly dark things. No one should feel alone, no one should be afraid. 

Maybe you don’t want to comment here, that’s cool. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter too! 

💋Neeks